Seduction and Snacks - Sivec Tara (книга бесплатный формат .TXT) 📗

My cell phone rang and I struggled with the towel as I pawed through my dresser and reached for the phone. I answered it and held it against my ear with my shoulder.

"Wear the low-rise, red, lace boy shorts with the matching push-up bra."

"Liz, what the fuck? How do you...I didn't..." I stammered into the phone.

She let out a dramatic sigh.

"Well, crotch rot, since you weren't going to tell me you'd be riding the Carter Express tonight, I had to find out elsewhere."

"Liz, I just found out thirty minutes ago. I was going to call you, I swear. How the fuck do you know anyway?"

"Oh, Jim ran into Carter buying condoms at the grocery store - extra small. I didn't realize they made them in children's sizes."

"Ha ha, very funny, thunder cunt," I replied sarcastically. "Speaking of giant vaginas, I haven’t gotten any butt dials from you lately. Has Jim taken a break from spelunking in your bottomless pit lately?"

Gavin walked into my room then with his Toy Story backpack on. He was very excited at the idea of having a sleepover at Carter’s house. He argued with me that he could pack his own bag. I'd have to sneak a look into it when he was busy. The last time he went to my dad's, he packed one dirty sock, eight stuffed animals and a plastic fork.

"Liz, I have to go. Your godson just walked in and I need to finish getting ready," I explained as Gavin scrambled up onto my bed and started jumping up and down on it.

I snapped my fingers and pointed to the bed. He immediately kicked his legs out in front of his body and landed on his butt.

"Make sure you pack Children's Benadryl and duct tape. You don't need anyone yelling, "Mommy," when there's a penis in you. And no matter how much Carter tries to tell you otherwise, it is never hot if he says it. Never. Trust me."

I really didn't need the mental image of Jim screaming, "Mommy," while he railed Liz. I quickly ended the call and grabbed the red bra & underwear set from my second drawer. Liz bought it for me two years prior to wear on a blind date she’d set me up on. The guy showed up an hour early asking if we could just hit it so he could go. Apparently his mom needed her car back and wanted him to clean his room before she got home. Needless to say, the tags never got removed from the red lace underwear.

I shimmied into the bra while Gavin sat there staring at me through the mirror. I learned early on that it was impossible to do anything by yourself when you had a toddler. Covering myself up and running to hide behind a door if he walked in when I was getting dressed just made him even more curious and inquisitive. And by inquisitive, I mean annoying. It was best to just go about my business and if questions arose, I could handle them in a proficient and mature manner. In theory.

"Are you puttin' your boobs on mom?" Gavin asked.

I laughed and shook my head at his question.

"Well, this bra is mostly padding so I guess I am putting my boobs on."

I turned around to face him as I finished pulling the straps up and reached for my jeans I left laying across the foot of the bed.

"Hey, Mom, what are those red thingys?" he asked.

"What red things?" I replied distractedly as I pulled on my jeans and stood there staring at the four different shirts I laid out.

"The red thingies on your boobs."

I closed my eyes and bowed my head.

Okay, this was my chance to be an adult. He asked a reasonable question, so I should give him a reasonable answer. Right? But he’s only four. What is the appropriate age to learn the word “nipples”? Should I be honest with him or make something up? He was going to preschool in a few months. What if they were talking about baby bottles or saw a kitten drinking milk from its mother? If I made something up, my kid was going to be all, "Nuh-uh teacher. My mommy said those are called noo-noo-cows and they're just there for decoration."

My son would grow up scarred for life when everyone made fun of him for putting a noo-noo-cow on a baby bottle. I could hear Robert Dinero's voice in my head.

"I have noo-noo-cows, Greg, can you milk me?"

"They're called nipples, Gavin."

Honesty is the best policy. Let's go with that.

He sat there for a few minutes not saying anything. I was mentally patting myself on the back for being a good parent and being able to be truthful with my son.

"Nipples," he said softly.

I nodded my head, proud that he had no problem using the big-people word and not something silly. I still had nightmares about the fact that my father called a vagina a choo-choo-laney when I was growing up.

"Nipples, nipples, nipples. That's fun to say!"

Shit. I may have spoken too soon.

He jumped down off of the bed and ran out of my room, singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" but replaced each and every word with "nipple."

17. Duct Tape for the Win

Trojan, Durex, Lifestyles, Trojan Magnum (oh yeah, my three foot cock definitely needed those), Contempo, Vivid and Rough Rider.

Seriously? There was a condom brand called Rough Rider? Why not just go with Fuck Her Hard and be done with it?

I stood in the "Family Planning" aisle of the grocery store, trying to decide which condom brand was more effective. Family Planning…give me a break. How many people came to this aisle because they were planning a family? They came to this aisle to AVOID planning a family.

I couldn't buy Trojan. Every time I opened the box I heard that god damn jingle from the commercial, "Trojan Man!" and then I thought of a guy on a horse. Durex made me think of Playtex which made me think of tampons, which made me think of periods, which made me want to dry heave. Lifestyles made me think of Robin Leach and caviar. Fish eggs were not sexy and neither was Robin Leach.

I wasn't going to make myself look like a major asshole and buy Trojan Magnum. If I bought those things, I'd have to talk like Dirty Hairy in the bedroom. "Do you feel lucky today, seeing my giant penis, punk?"

Claire probably wouldn't take too kindly to me calling her a punk before I had sex with her.

Contempo just sounded boring, like contemporary music, John Tesh or some shit like that. Snooze fest. If people fell asleep while you were having sex with them, you needed to get your shit together.

Rough Rider was already out so that left me with Vivid. Vivid video was a porn making company. And the things I wanted to do to Claire could definitely be in porn. I think dressing up like a FedEx guy so I could deliver my big package to the horny housewife while she bent over the kitchen sink may have to wait at least a few weeks though.

I grabbed the forty-eight count bulk box that came with a free bottle of KY Warming Liquid and a vibrating cock ring and threw them in the cart. The cock ring scared me just a little. The idea of something vibrating by my balls made me nervous. What if it short-circuited? Great Balls of Fire didn't need to occur in the bedroom. And the smell of burning nut hair was sure to kill the mood.

"Stop worrying. I'm sure Claire isn't going to even notice that you have a tiny tallywhacker."

I turned around to see Jim standing in the aisle with a smirk and a box of tampons in his hand.

"Very funny, asshole. Looks like you're on the rag this week. Make sure to get yourself some Midol and a copy of Terms of Endearment so you can have yourself a good cry," I quipped.

"Hey, Terms of Endearment is a very touching, beautiful story about the dynamics in a mother/daughter relationship. Show some respect for Shirley McClain and Debra Winger for fuck's sake. That movie won five Oscars for…"