Flat-Out Love - Park Jessica (книги txt) 📗

“That’s so soon. But I know that we’ve kept you cooped up more than could have been fun. You’ve spent your whole year attending to Celeste and studying with Matthew. We’ve been selfish with you.” Erin sighed. “It’s your fault for being so damn special. I do hope that you’ll come around for dinner on occasion. It’s not going to be the same without you.”

Julie bit her lip and then closed her eyes. She felt lonely and awful and couldn’t think of anything to say wouldn’t send her into a crying fit.

“When you have your own place, you can paint and decorate as you like, and not worry about other people in the house. You and Dana will have fun together. Just like your mother and I used to. Matthew’s old room could hardly have been as female-friendly as you would have liked anyway,”

“You mean Finn’s room,” Julie corrected.

“What? No, you’ve been in Matthew’s room. He moved into Finn’s old room a while ago, so his was empty until you got here. It’s been nice having a full house again.”

“I guess I misunderstood…” Julie started. This didn’t make any sense. For a lot of reasons. “I thought—”

“You know what?” Erin said happily. “Coming here was a good idea. I rarely just sit and do nothing. It’s given me a chance to think. I’ve missed my family, Julie. Whether you intended to or not, you’ve helped bring them back to me and me back to them.”

Julie inhaled and exhaled deeply and tried to untangle her thoughts.

Then Erin’s hand moved on top of hers and rested there, her wordless touch both disquieting and consoling.

Chapter 29

“You’re not taking the car today?” Matt looked up from his laptop, as Julie crossed through the living room. He was on the couch, wearing a surprisingly text-free red shirt, with his feet kicked up on the coffee table.

“No. I’m going to walk to the T. It’s so nice out.” The words felt slow coming from her mouth, heavy and falsely normal.

“May and June are usually nice, but just wait until summer. Hazy, hot, and humid.”

Julie sat down in one of the hard-backed chairs and rifled through her school bag, making sure she had everything she needed for her last day. After taking one exam this morning and handing in a term paper, she would be done. Most people in her position would feel elated. Instead, a looming sense of uneasiness stayed with her, as it had for the past few weeks.

She flipped through the printed pages of her paper. Even though she had written the paper, her words looked unfamiliar. The letters blended together and swam across the page into meaningless jumbles. She let the paper slip from her hand and fall to the floor.

“Julie? Are you OK?” Matt asked.

“I’m fine,” she said.

“You seem a little off today.”

“I told you that I’m fine.”

Julie put her term paper back into her bag and walked to the front window. She lifted the heavy old pane and didn’t move as a soft breeze blew the sheer curtain against her. The sky was totally clear today, and the world had that fresh, unsoiled smell that late spring brings. That precious scent would likely only last until the July heat and stench tore it away.

She turned and watched Matt as he continued working. “Matty?”

“Yeah?”

“Look at me.”

“What?” he asked.

“Look at me.”

Matt lifted his head. It felt like ages since he had looked right at her, and that spark she often saw in his gray eyes was gone. There had been no back-and-forth banter between them in weeks, no joking about his shirts, no struggling to get her to understand asymptotic methods for her calculus class. She studied his face, trying to figure him out. Trying to understand. He tilted his head to the side, his expression turning solemn as he let her think. But he didn’t turn away.

He looked tired and vulnerable.

He probably had reason to.

Neither of them said a word. She could feel the shift between them, the awful change in dynamics. The loss. She knew he felt it, too.

Finally Julie reached down for her bag. She turned and walked through the front door and into the glaring sunlight.

**********

Dana crossed her legs and tore off a piece of the chocolate croissant. “Want some?” she offered.

Julie shook her head. Her stomach didn’t feel good, and the coffee from Au Bon Pain was not sitting well. She and Dana had been lucky to snag a small bistro table at the packed outdoor cafe in Harvard Square. It seemed that everyone except Julie had that end-of-the-year high.

“Julie, what’s wrong?” Dana asked. “Something is going on with you. Do you not want to move in with me? It’s not a problem if you don’t. Just because I went ahead and repainted the bedroom for you, doesn’t mean that you should feel at all guilty if you’ve changed your mind.” She smiled. “Seriously. It’s fine.”

“No, that’s not it at all. I can’t wait to move, actually. Less than a week now.”

“Something is wrong. You’re not in a good mood.”

“No,” she agreed. “I’m not.”

“Tell me.”

Julie stared at the chess players next to them. A college student and a gray-haired man concentrated on the black and white pieces that sat on the concrete chess table. King, queen, rook, bishop, knight. King, queen, rook, bishop, knight.

Pawn.

 Julie stared at the chess piece. Pawn.

“I should get home and pack some more.”

“If you say so. Hey,” Dana said gently, “you’ll call me if you need me, right? I’ll be there when you’re ready to talk.”

Julie looked at her friend and nodded. “I will.” She picked up her bag to leave, and then stopped. “If I need to move in a few days early, would that be all right?”

“What is going on?” Dana leaned forward. “Is this about Matt?”

“Would it be all right or not?”

“Of course. “ Dana sat back. “Whatever you need. You know that.”

“Thanks. I’ll call you later.”

Julie pulled her sunglasses down over her eyes and waded through the crowded sidewalks. She walked past the Dunkin’ Donuts/Baskin Robbins ice cream on the corner and smiled. This was the How do you like them apples? location from Good Will Hunting. It was also the place that she and Matt had stopped in the day he had taken her to look for apartments. She passed the subway station and crossed Mass Ave, disappearing into the maze of Harvard’s store, The Coop. Wandering in a fog seemed to help her feel better. Julie let herself drift through the store for a while, eventually exiting out the back onto a side street. Clothing boutiques had racks of dresses displayed on the sidewalk, and Julie fingered through sundresses that she wasn’t going to buy. Across the street there was a small shop that sold local crafts. She momentarily emerged from her haze and wondered if she might find a little something there for Celeste.

For so many reasons, it was going to be hard moving out. There was no pretending that it wasn’t. The emptiness loomed over her, powerful and unrelenting.

Julie found herself scanning the shelves and then moving to the display cases with jewelry. She tried to focus. A small gift for Celeste would be a nice thing to do, for both of them. A momento of their year together. Her eyes skimmed over beaded necklaces and gold bracelets, none of which was right. She walked to the far end of the case.

Something silver caught her eye.  Maybe she should have been surprised to see it, but she wasn’t. It was almost as if she were expecting that it would be here.

A saleswoman appeared. “Did you want to look at something?”

Julie kept her eyes on the case and pointed. “Yes. That one. Right there.”

The woman unlocked the sliding cabinet door and handed Julie the item.