Eclipse - Meyer Stephenie (е книги TXT) 📗

“There’s a bit of a complication,” he told me, his voice carefully unworried. “I’m going to take Seth a little ways away and try to straighten it out. I won’t go far, but I won’t listen, either. I know you don’t want an audience, no matter which way you decide to go.”

Only at the very end did the pain break into his voice.

I had to never hurt him again. That would be my mission in life. Never again would I be the reason for this look to come into his eyes.

I was too upset to even ask him what the new problem was. I didn’t need anything else right now.

“Hurry back,” I whispered.

He kissed me lightly on the lips, and then disappeared into the forest with Seth at his side.

Jacob was still in the shadow of the trees; I couldn’t see his expression clearly.

“I’m in a hurry, Bella,” he said in a dull voice. “Why don’t you get it over with?”

I swallowed, my throat suddenly so dry I wasn’t sure if I could make sound come out.

“Just say the words, and be done with it.”

I took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry I’m such a rotten person,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish. I wish I’d never met you, so I couldn’t hurt you the way I have. I won’t do it anymore, I promise. I’ll stay far away from you. I’ll move out of the state. You won’t have to look at me ever again.”

“That’s not much of an apology,” he said bitterly.

I couldn’t make my voice louder than a whisper. “Tell me how to do it right.”

“What if I don’t want you to go away? What if I’d rather you stayed, selfish or not? Don’t I get any say, if you’re trying to make things up to me?”

“That won’t help anything, Jake. It was wrong to stay with you when we wanted such different things. It’s not going to get better. I’ll just keep hurting you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I hate it.” My voice broke.

He sighed. “Stop. You don’t have to say anything else. I understand.”

I wanted to tell him how much I would miss him, but I bit my tongue. That would not help anything, either.

He stood quietly for a moment, staring at the ground, and I fought against the urge to go and put my arms around him. To comfort him.

And then his head snapped up.

“Well, you’re not the only one capable of self-sacrifice,” he said, his voice stronger. “Two can play at that game.”

“What?”

“I’ve behaved pretty badly myself. I’ve made this much harder for you than I needed to. I could have given up with good grace in the beginning. But I hurt you, too.”

“This is my fault.”

“I won’t let you claim all the blame here, Bella. Or all the glory either. I know how to redeem myself.”

“What are you talking about?” I demanded. The sudden, frenzied light in his eyes frightened me.

He glanced up at the sun and then smiled at me. “There’s a pretty serious fight brewing down there. I don’t think it will be that difficult to take myself out of the picture.”

His words sank into my brain, slowly, one by one, and I couldn’t breathe. Despite all my intentions to cut Jacob out of my life completely, I didn’t realize until that precise second exactly how deep the knife would have to go to do it.

“Oh, no, Jake! No, no no no,” I choked out in horror. “No, Jake, no. Please, no.” My knees began to tremble.

“What’s the difference, Bella? This will only make it more convenient for everyone. You won’t even have to move.”

“No!” My voice got louder. “No, Jacob! I won’t let you!”

“How will you stop me?” he taunted lightly, smiling to take the sting out of his tone.

“Jacob, I’m begging you. Stay with me.” I would have fallen to my knees, if I could have moved at all.

“For fifteen minutes while I miss a good brawl? So that you can run away from me as soon as you think I’m safe again? You’ve got to be kidding.”

“I won’t run away. I’ve changed my mind. We’ll work something out, Jacob. There’s always a compromise. Don’t go!”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not. You know what a terrible liar I am. Look in my eyes. I’ll stay if you do.”

His face hardened. “And I can be your best man at the wedding?”

It was a moment before I could speak, and still the only answer I could give him was, “Please.”

“That’s what I thought,” he said, his face going calm again, but for the turbulent light in his eyes.

“I love you, Bella,” he murmured.

“I love you, Jacob,” I whispered brokenly.

He smiled. “I know that better than you do.”

He turned to walk away.

“Anything,” I called after him in a strangled voice. “Anything you want, Jacob. Just don’t do this!”

He paused, turning slowly.

“I don’t really think you mean that.”

“Stay,” I begged.

He shook his head. “No, I’m going.” He paused, as if deciding something. “But I could leave it to fate.”

“What do you mean?” I choked out.

“I don’t have to do anything deliberate — I could just do my best for my pack and let what happens happen.” He shrugged. “If you could convince me you really did want me to come back — more than you wanted to do the selfless thing.”

“How?” I asked.

“You could ask me,” he suggested.

“Come back,” I whispered. How could he doubt that I meant it?

He shook his head, smiling again. “That’s not what I’m talking about.”

It took me a second to grasp what he was saying, and all the while he was looking at me with this superior expression — so sure of my reaction. As soon as the realization hit, though, I blurted out the words without stopping to count the cost.

“Will you kiss me, Jacob?”

His eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed suspiciously. “You’re bluffing.”

“Kiss me, Jacob. Kiss me, and then come back.”

He hesitated in the shadow, warring with himself. He half-turned again to the west, his torso twisting away from me while his feet stayed planted where they were. Still looking away, he took one uncertain step in my direction, and then another. He swung his face around to look at me, his eyes doubtful.

I stared back. I had no idea what expression was on my face.

Jacob rocked back on his heels, and then lurched forward, closing the distance between us in three long strides.

I knew he would take advantage of the situation. I expected it. I held very still — my eyes closed, my fingers curled into fists at my sides — as his hands caught my face and his lips found mine with an eagerness that was not far from violence.

I could feel his anger as his mouth discovered my passive resistance. One hand moved to the nape of my neck, twisting into a fist around the roots of my hair. The other hand grabbed roughly at my shoulder, shaking me, then dragging me to him. His hand continued down my arm, finding my wrist and pulling my arm up around his neck. I left it there, my hand still tightly balled up, unsure how far I could go in my desperation to keep him alive. All the while his lips, disconcertingly soft and warm, tried to force a response out of mine.

As soon as he was sure I wouldn’t drop my arm, he freed my wrist, his hand feeling its way down to my waist. His burning hand found the skin at the small of my back, and he yanked me forward, bowing my body against his.

His lips gave up on mine for a moment, but I knew he was nowhere close to finished. His mouth followed the line of my jaw, and then explored the length of my neck. He freed my hair, reaching for my other arm to draw it around his neck like the first.

Then both of his arms were constricted around my waist, and his lips found my ear.

“You can do better than this, Bella,” he whispered huskily. “You’re overthinking it.”

I shivered as I felt his teeth graze my earlobe.

“That’s right,” he murmured. “For once, just let yourself feel what you feel.”

I shook my head mechanically until one of his hands wound back into my hair and stopped me.

His voice turned acidic. “Are you sure you want me to come back? Or did you really want me to die?”

Anger rocked through me like the whiplash after a heavy punch. That was too much — he wasn’t fighting fair.

My arms were already around his neck, so I grabbed two fistfuls of his hair — ignoring the stabbing pain in my right hand — and fought back, struggling to pull my face away from his.

And Jacob misunderstood.

He was too strong to recognize that my hands, trying to yank his hair out by the roots, meant to cause him pain. Instead of anger, he imagined passion. He thought I was finally responding to him.

With a wild gasp, he brought his mouth back to mine, his fingers clutching frantically against the skin at my waist.

The jolt of anger unbalanced my tenuous hold on self-control; his unexpected, ecstatic response overthrew it entirely. If there had been only triumph, I might have been able to resist him. But the utter defenselessness of his sudden joy cracked my determination, disabled it. My brain disconnected from my body, and I was kissing him back. Against all reason, my lips were moving with his in strange, confusing ways they’d never moved before — because I didn’t have to be careful with Jacob, and he certainly wasn’t being careful with me.

My fingers tightened in his hair, but I was pulling him closer now.

He was everywhere. The piercing sunlight turned my eyelids red, and the color fit, matched the heat. The heat was everywhere. I couldn’t see or hear or feel anything that wasn’t Jacob.

The tiny piece of my brain that retained sanity screamed questions at me.

Why wasn’t I stopping this? Worse than that, why couldn’t I find in myself even the desire to want to stop? What did it mean that I didn’t want him to stop? That my hands clung to his shoulders, and liked that they were wide and strong? That his hands pulled me too tight against his body, and yet it was not tight enough for me?

The questions were stupid, because I knew the answer: I’d been lying to myself.

Jacob was right. He’d been right all along. He was more than just my friend. That’s why it was so impossible to tell him goodbye — because I was in love with him. Too. I loved him, much more than I should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in love with him, but it was not enough to change anything; it was only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had.

I didn’t care about more than that — than his pain. I more than deserved whatever pain this caused me. I hoped it was bad. I hoped I would really suffer.